hoping to be surprised by hope

I just read the first 15 pages of Surprised By Hope by N.T. Wright.  A tad dense but totally rich, like some kind of fudgey brownies (with a glass of milk to wash it down).  Simply put, it's about "rethinking heaven, the resurrection, and the mission of the church" (that's the subtitle). My father-in-law would be so proud, he's kinda a big fan of Mr. N.T. And by "kinda", I mean a ton!

Hope. It's always been easy for me to be optimistic. That's part of my world-view. Maybe it's cultural because here in America is the land of opportunity. Sure, I've been disappointed, I've been jaded, I've been cynical at times, but overall...things tend to go "my way". Like, this illusion of control that I think I have, well, it's usually working out for me.  Make good grades in school, all I have to do is study hard and pass. Want to go to college?  No problem.  Need a car?  I've got money in the bank.  Always had food to eat (and plenty of it). Never had to worry about where my next meal is going to come from. Never been concerned I wouldn't have a place to lay my head at night. I'm grateful to have been spared trauma in my life.  Some loss, sure, but nothing that has left me just devastated, crushed, burdened, hope-less.  I'm American for crying out loud, I deserve all these things.  Everyone does.  So I also expect them. And maybe even, when things don't go exactly my way, I might demand them!?! 

My friends Bet and Erik, were supposed to hear today if they got their Embassy appointment for their daughter Gadise in Ethiopia.  The last step in their adoption process to bring her home. They accepted their referral for her in December, 2012. It's now June 12, 2013, 6 months later.  Their daughter has since turned 2, and she, like them, waits. I was disappointed when I read they didn't hear from the Embassy today. It should have happened.  It didn't. Not yet. More waiting.

We got an email last Thursday from our agency. Full of information. I didn't read too much past the part that said the courts are closing early this year, July 6.  They typically close at the end of August. My heart was crushed. This means, likely, no court date for us before they close. And the courts will be closed, on recess, for 6-12 weeks.  That means, more waiting. For us, and for her. And as I drove to meet a friend for dinner in Tulsa, I cried. Because I have been praying with so much faith, that God would move mountains, that He would make it happen, that we could get a court date before they closed.  My talk to God in the car that night, went something like this
"Father, I still trust you, I still know that you are Holy and Good!  I know that you are right there with her, even now!  And that you are with me.  And that you are with all of the dear children that are waiting, that may feel alone or scared, that are hurting. I still trust you.  I still believe this with all that I am.  But Father, you must know that I am sad and disappointed and feel discouraged now with this news. We are but one family. She is but one of your daughters. And so I will wait. And still hope. Forgive my entitlement in this process.  It is out of my hands, it is only in yours.  Will you work and work mightily in it.  Will you be with this baby that you have so richly given to us.  Will you protect her heart, heal her hurts, comfort her, protect her, give her love and care and peace that only you can provide.  Will you be with the care-takers and their families, give them love, give them patience, give them wisdom, bless them! Will you be with the people, the authorities, the judge, the embassy, everyone involved in this process. I will still wait, trust and hope Father."

I went running the next morning. A beautiful sunrise unfolded as I ran through our neighborhood, at one point the houses parted the clouds on the horizon near the sunrise were placed in such a way that it reminded me of some crazy beautiful crown. The sun's rays shining upwards through them in all shades of pink, orange, and yellow.  You are King!  I will be still and know You are God.  Not me. I am but a humble servant that will remain faithful to my King. The song "it is well" played on my shuffle as I finished my jog back to the house.
Entitlement, yeah, figured that is what I'm wrestling with.  But I am again reminded of one of my favorite passages in Romans 11:

33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
    How unsearchable his judgments,
    and his paths beyond tracing out!
³⁴ “Who has known the mind of the Lord?
    Or who has been his counselor?”
³⁵ “Who has ever given to God,
    that God should repay them?”
³⁶ For from him and through him and for him are all things.
    To him be the glory forever! Amen.

I will continue to be full of hope. And am hoping to be surprised by hope. But if things don't happen when or how I wish and pray they will, that doesn't mean God is any different, any less than, any changed, than He has been from the beginning. I just get more time to trust Him and daily strive to quit trying to lean on my own understanding.