2015

When I was little 15 was my favorite number. I have no idea why. But I always loved it.  So silly. Isaac has had favorite numbers since he was about two years old and understood what numbers were all about. It was 5 for the longest time, then jumped to 100.  New Year's Eve he said it was 10.  It's kind of funny to me. But it is now 2015. And although New Year's Eve this year, well 2014, was the least exciting New Year's yet in my life, it was still nice and I was able to be somewhat reflective and resolved at the same time as I looked back on 2014 and look forward to this new year.

While I put Ezra to bed, Nathan and the older two played with glow sticks for awhile. We put them to bed, praying for our family in this new year, that we will continue to be faithful and follow after God in all things. Nathan and I sat at the kitchen table, poured a couple glasses of wine, and played Guillotine. We casually talked about our past year. We agreed it was probably the most challenging year we have had yet, not bad, but challenging. It was just a year ago that I learned I was pregnant, just a handful of weeks after bringing Aniyah home. The adjustment period extended months into the new year, along with some typical first trimester lethargy and nausea. But the months passed and I grew ever closer with my new daughter, slowly more excited to mother three instead of two (which I was still getting used to), and embarrassingly more slowly I learned to trust God with what the future holds.

Initially I was rather anxious about the summer in 2014, as I would be my most pregnant, with two little ones, and a husband in his busiest months youth ministering and gone at least three solid weeks. But the summer turned out to be fantastic. We played outside every chance we got. I let the kids play in water non-stop, I joined them most days. I ate my weight in cherries and watermelon and all kinds of fresh summer produce both from our garden and the local farmer's market. And we got to visit my mom in the mountains of eastern TN on a lake. Pregnancy was sweet (overall and in retrospect), I am so grateful to our Father that I was able to experience it. The last three almost four months have been trying, maybe some of the most trying in our marriage as we have adjusted to a "new norm." Again, not bad, but trying as we are both sleep deprived, worn-out, and feel like we are going non-stop. And to top it all off, Nathan has had a really hard year in ministry, he has a rather unengaged, uncommitted, slightly apathetic group and it's wearing on him. He pours himself into work, into planning and preparing, only to have a small (like two or three) number of kids show up. It's hard. But it also is a huge motivation and push for him, and us, for what's next (more on that in another blog).

I've loved being mother to this tiny infant, who is growing by leaps and bounds, absolutely loved it. I am amazed by God's perfect creation and design. But it isn't easy. I've cried more the past few months than I probably ever have. I have felt so helpless and powerless and so out of control. It's been hard at times. I have felt like Nathan and I are world's apart emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. BUT (and this is what I love about the Gospel, all the dread and death and destruction and hopelessness gets turned around, it doesn't get the last word), I have found hope, and joy, and peace through these trying months. Glimmers of joy daily as I marvel at being mother to such amazing little souls, such bright personalities and fun little people! Hope as Ezra grows and things become more predictable and I feel like I have a better handle on what he needs when (namely sleep, that's the big one). And peace, as I sit here typing, while all three kids nap! Peace even when I feel out of control.
So,it's good to look back. It's hard to look back too. I lost an uncle, my parents divorced, friends had babies and lost babies, racial tension has never felt more intense in my lifetime in our country.

But I wanted to write mostly about how January 1, 2015 played out here in the Irwin household.
I hadn't left the house since we got back from August Monday night, yesterday was Thursday, so I was determined to get myself and all three kids out sometime, to go somewhere. Nathan has been busy working every day preparing for winter retreat this weekend, so he didn't stay home yesterday at all. I popped some pumpkin waffles that I made and froze, into the toaster and scrambled some eggs with spinach and cheese. I needed a full cup of coffee as Ezra has been doing this waking every two hours things in the middle of the night, even though he is just fine going at least 3 hours during the daytime between feedings. Baffling. Nathan headed in to work after breakfast, and I put Ezra down for a morning nap. Then the kids and I made bouncy balls from a kit that Aunt Heather and Uncle Justin gave them for Christmas.  It was really fun!  While I nursed Ezra I let the kids watch Horton Hears a Who. Isaac wore his "ninja" costume all day and pretended to be a ninja (it's a teenage mutant ninja turtle pj set, with a cape that velcros on to the back, he LOVES it). Jan, Roger and Jax came over around 11:30 and gave our kids some presents, Isaac-two nurf dart guns, and a doll for Aniyah, also this sweet light up ball that is for bath time. It was good to visit with them for a bit. The kids all napped at the same time (these are miraculous happenings that I am loving and so grateful for), and I did a little work-out video AND took a shower AND shaved my legs! 

 Isaac built a "fortress" (this consists of getting all blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and whatever else he thinks he needs, laying them on his floor, and calling it a fortress), so the big kids and I played on that for a good majority of the day, tickling and wrestling and reading books. Truly joy-full and delightful! In the afternoon, I packed the kids in the car and we set out for Jim n Em's coffee shop. Isaac and Aniyah split a smoothie (ie-ate all the whipped cream and pretended to drink their smoothie) and Isaac amazed me by putting together many pieces in a puzzle. We saw Ashley Stewart there and so I got to catch up with her for a bit which was wonderful. When we got home, I let Isaac watch season 1 episode 1 of TMNT, just as Nathan got home and I had to feed Ezra again. I made a quick dinner and afterwards the kids played with their new bath toy. Mariah came over to give Nathan and TV he needed for retreat, it was really great to talk with her for a few minutes!  I am so proud of her and so grateful she is such a fantastic mom! Bedtime went relatively smoothly, Nathan and I watched a documentary called Rodriguez and called it a night. Just another day, but it was a wonderful first day of this new year. Even though it was cold, rainy and sleeting at times.

I like to have some resolutions, I like to think of a few things to be intentional about at least, even if it's just some kind of vague "theme" I try to be mindful of. I kind of don't know what to think about this year, it is likely going to have our family stretched in totally new and probably uncomfortable ways. But here's what I have so far:
1. Generosity-study it, practice it.
2. Gratitude-study it, practice it
3. Learn as much as possible about what I need for our next...
4. Research home school curriculum.
5. Memorize scripture weekly.
6. Cut out sugary foods as much as possible!
7. Run a half marathon.

I mean, it's a start. I need to fix my eyes on something, need to set goals or I get lazy. I am not intrinsically disciplined, I need external reminders/reinforcements.
My mom sent me some emails with some great scriptures that I wanted to include here:

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! — 2 Corinthians 5:17  

This is what the Lord says, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." — Isaiah 43:16,18-19
And a prayer, copied from an email I received with daily verses and thoughts:

Lord of all eternity, please help me to learn from my mistakes this past year, but not to dwell on them. Please help me not rest on my accomplishments in this past year, but use them to further your work in me and through me. Please help me not quarrel with those who injured me yesterday, last month, or this past year. Instead, O Father, lead me in your paths and help me see your mighty works this next year.
Almighty and holy God, I want to glorify you and bring you praise in the choices that I make, the people that I influence, the words that I speak, and the actions that I take in this coming year. I know that I am not guaranteed a single new day, but I want each that I live to be a day I have lived for your glory and honor and praise.
In Jesus' name and by his power I ask it. Amen.