staying humble, well, sort of

This has not been my day, in the most "first world problem" kinda way.

Got out the door late with the boy and arrived at worship a bit late. Miscommunication with Nathan (my fault) as to plans for attending a 3pm baby shower, resulting in Isaac and me showing up an hour late. (and I tend to get easily frazzled when late for things, so twice in one day was not great) Our dryer is broken and my friend Dana graciously let me come use theirs while they were at a movie this evening. After one drying cycle I took most of the load out and realized that Isaac's plastic crib liner had MELTED to the back of their front end loading dryer.  awesome...pause....not. I spent quite some time trying to scrape off the plastic. Trying to rush to get this done because Nathan was scheduled to meet up with a friend to ride bikes at 7:30, part of his triathalon training. I cried.  Seriously, cried about this.  I'm ashamed to admit it.  I'm also ashamed to admit that I was ultimately frustrated with Nathan several times today, and really none of anything was his fault. Bless him.  I tried to call him several times regarding the miscommunication with baby shower earlier (he was on the scooter and couldn't hear his phone of course) and tried to call him during the "melt-down" with the dryer, like he could have done anything, but again he didn't answer (because he was serving our family by mowing and other yard work after being gone for the past week serving the youth group).  For the cherry on top, the under-wire in my bra is coming out, my favorite bra, that I wore today, and wear basically every day. I like to live simply...

Nathan did call me back each time. Nathan is always patient with me. For real, always. I don't know how he does it.

But I came back to the house frustrated and frazzled of course, because I was late getting back and because I was just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Nathan tries to hug me, I say no thanks. Isaac comes up singing "I'm happy today, oh yes I'm happy today..." and gives me a big sloppy yogurt lipped kiss on my dress. Nathan leaves after asking what he can do for me and I ask him to pick up the last load of laundry that is drying at Dana's house.

My friend Dana is completely gracious with me when I explain what happened. I'm humbled by her graciousness and Nathan's patience with me today. And rather disgusted with my ugly behavior throughout the day, how easily I was frustrated and frazzled, how quickly I became upset and blamed Nathan for things beyond his control, how weak and powerless I feel in these moments that are SO trivial.

I feel guilt after a day like today for three reasons: 1. I felt sorry for myself for such petty things, things that don't matter, things I should be grateful for instead. "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks without ceasing" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 reminds me. And I thought of the passage in 2 Corinthians 4 that goes "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  But let's be honest, today cannot count as "light and momentary troubles", I mean for real. I cried over a dryer.  
  
So I also feel guilt because 2. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR!!!  For goodness sakes.  I had like 10 people offer to let me use their dryers, I have great friends, I have the money to own and repair a dryer (they just can't come till the 15th to fix it), I have a boy who takes great naps so who cares that I'm late for a baby shower, I got to be there and celebrate with friends, I am healthy, I have a car that took me all over town today, I have food for days in my fridge and garden, I never ever ever worry about where my next meal is coming from, I own multiple bras!!!  So, it's a bit of "survivor's guilt" when I start looking at the big picture because I know that there are billions of people that are barely able to physically make it to tomorrow just because of where they were born.   

I also feel guilt because 3. I did not treat my husband with any amount of love, kindness, or patience today. This man that I love and care for, that I should show love and support to, I didn't today.  Why do I do that?  Why am I not more loving?  Love is part of the fruit of the Spirit and honestly I think that I am trying to just do all this on my own instead of relying on the Spirit's power, that FAR surpasses anything I can muster!  I can't love Nathan unless I'm loving God first, then I can truly love Nathan out of the overflow of my love for my Creator/Father/Provider/God.  

I'm grateful that I'm not one to hold on too tightly to guilt. Today was not the best day. I am not proud of how I handled life's minor stressors. I will approach God humbly, asking for forgiveness, and will get up tomorrow and live as faithfully as possible, relying on the Spirit to guide and lead. I will humbly apologize to Nathan and ask his forgiveness as well. I am humbled by today, by my weakness and by God's unfailing love even for this silly child. And I am grateful to catch a glimpse of God's relentless love for me through the relationship I have with Nathan who loves me so well!  Now, I just need to learn to sew so I can fix "old-faithful"-the favorite bra!