Adjustments

Well, turns out she does have Giardia.  Nasty little parasite.  Who knows how long she has had it.  Nathan said he thinks that all of Ethiopia must have Giardia, it's in their water, it's gotta be.  We saw our family pediatrician Wednesday after arriving home Sunday night.  He hasn't any special training in children adopted from third world countries, but he did a very good, thorough evaluation of her. She weighs only 17 lbs. He suggested her enlarged abdomen is likely from a protein deficiency. He gave us referrals for a physical therapist, pediatric orthopedist, developmental specialist, and SoonerStart. I'm eager to get those services all started, but we are waiting on insurance to be finalized for her.  We took a stool sample to the lab at our hospial, and had blood drawn for various tests per our dr's request.  He called the next week to say her stool was "loaded" with giardia and that we needed to get her on meds as soon as we could. Today is the 2nd day and already I think she's doing better.

I had some unsettled feelings initially taking her away from her orphanage, but no longer. I have experienced other emotions, like anger and sadness that she spent the first year of her life in a very less than ideal setting. No doubt, the care-takers, nannies, dr's, social workers, etc who were involved in her life did their best. But nothing beats a family. Family is where she belongs. A place full of love, laughter, freedom, growth. I am angry that she spent most of her first year of life in a crib. It's evident she wants to explore, to crawl, even to walk. Everything is new to her. Which is fun, but also heart-breaking at times. The elation on her face as she splashes water in the bath-tub, sheer joy even as water drips into her eyes, she loves it. I doubt she ever has had more than a quick sponge bath until now. Even as I introduce foods to her, I am not sure she has had good nutrition. Even if she did, those horrible parasites stole it from her.  It's good to have her home. It's good to be her mom. It's great to be a family.

Now, this adjustment has not been easy. I told Nathan I feel somewhat bipolar in that one minute I love parenting and being a mom, the next I'm done and need to escape for an hour or so. Our girl is great. Our boy is great. It's just adjusting that's not always easy. I miss spending all day with Isaac. I miss reading book after book to him, chasing him, going in and out of the house, running errands whenever, just being active. I forgot what it's like to have a one-year-old. And a one-year-old that is learning who I am, where she is, what is going on. This takes time. Bonding/attachment/trust takes time. She is a dear little sweet soul, who has not had consistent love, and now she does, and there's part of her that is so fearful whenever I stand up and am not holding her, or if I move too far away from her, or if I let Nathan take her out of my arms (she still is super wary of him, though is sloooowwwllly warming up). I am thrilled and grateful she has bonded with me so quickly. Admittedly, I am selfish, and have a hard time with this new change of pace though. Maybe I thought "we've done this before, Isaac is old enough, I'm good to jump right in with another one-year-old, piece of cake." I am again harshly reminded of my minute by minute desperate need for a Savior, for the Spirit, for my loving Father to take hold of my heart and transform me, denying myself, depending on Him. I have not wanted to do this for maybe the first week home. I instead, kinda moped about, begrudgingly, sinfully. Instead of embracing this role. It's my privilege/job. To love, to care for, to model, to protect, to sacrifice for. God, please help me. EVERY SECOND.

Isaac has been incredible. He's SO SO SO sweet to our girl. He loves her. He also has been super intense at times, just not able to calm down when he gets upset (about seemingly trivial things). I feel helpless in those moments. Totally not sure how to best love him and help him without encouraging these behaviors by coddling or, sheesh, I just don't know. I love him so and am not sure what is going on in his head and heart and want to understand and to parent him perfectly, but I am so far from that.  So I talk calmly to him, encourage him to use words to express his heart and thoughts and frustrations, and pray a lot.

In general right now, my prayer is that I will love, that I will not let harsh words come from my mouth, that I will be patient, tolerant, kind, and...patient. I really need to be patient. Part of me keeps thinking "the spring will be awesome, because she will be 18 months and...", but I need to shift that to focusing on RIGHT NOW. The beauty of this time and space. Even if it's not my greatest moment. Even if being a mom isn't always what I "want" to be doing. It's the gift God has abundantly provided. ABUNDANTLY. Two amazing kids.  Isaac, so full of life and energy, and joy and so creative and funny and strong and kind and loving. Aniyah, so precious and sweet and giggly and determined, a strong and brave girl. Proud and humbled to be their Emayah.

Now, a bit about my girl's little personality, that I have seen so far. I can not wait to see how she develops and what she is going to be like as she grows!  She loves to snuggle. When she's wide awake and active, she will check in often with me, wanting a quick hug or kiss then is right back at looking at herself in the mirror, or cruising along the wall, or playing with her toothbrush or whatever she is doing at the moment. She doesn't seem too interested in books yet, other than pulling them off the shelf. She seems so content and becomes very happy whenever she is getting her diaper changed. I wonder if this is because that was a time that she got undivided attention from the nannies when in the orphanage. When she doesn't like something, she will either arch her back and whine (not cute. at all.), or if I'm feeding her food she doesn't like, she'll close her eyes and stick out her tongue.  The past two days she has wanted me to help her walk everywhere. She is determined. She's very wobbly and not strong, but wants to do it so bad. When I am away from her for any amount of time, and show back up again, she lights up, laughs, bounces up and down, and oh my heart melts. I am so in love with this beautiful, brave girl.

My prayer for her each night is: Dear Father, please help Aniyah to be a brave girl, full of courage, strong and fearless. And I ask that you will help her to walk with you all the days of her life.

It's good to be home. It's good to be a family. I'll get there. Slowly, slowly, with daily clarity that my only help is in Jesus. I don't know how people parent (or love for that matter) without the Father. God IS love, afterall.