We drove home Tuesday, and drove Wednesday to Wichita Falls, TX where we made a presentation to the missions committee at 10th and Broad Church of Christ. Super hospitable and kind people. It was a treat to be there and get to know some of them. We stayed in a hotel which was a blast for our kids as they got to swim for awhile Thursday before we drove home.
It's good to be home for now.
It feels strange in so many ways. As I'm digging through our stuff, starting to sell some things, sort through other things. It doesn't feel real. I'm trying so hard to continue to be present here, but it's getting harder all the time. These walls, these belongings, they are already fleeting. They aren't ours anyway, I have learned to hold it all loosely, but it's still strange. I try to imagine myself in France, or in Burkina. But I'm not there yet, I don't really know what it will be like. I'm here for just a short time more. So, I'm inbetween in many ways. It's ok. But it's strange.
I spent a mini-date with Isaac today as we went to a birthday party for our little buddies, George and Theodore. They are 1! I haven't had time with just Isaac and in quite awhile so I was excited. He was rather rambunctious and not grateful. On the way home I tried to engage him in some conversation, it did not go well. His attitude reflected a heart that was sour. I told him "out of the over-flow of the heart, the mouth speaks." I did my best to parent him well in that moment. I prayed for wisdom. I felt so deflated though, just bummed that our time together wasn't better. What could I have done better or different? Where did I go wrong? Should I threaten him or try to reason or just let him sulk it out and not acknowledge the yuck he's exhibiting? Why was he saying these things and acting this way? (Ok, I'm sure not taking a nap and the excess sugar at the party didn't help.)
Back home he spent 30 minutes in his room for "quiet time" while Nathan took Aniyah to another 1 year old birthday party for our little buddy Kendrix. Isaac cleaned his room during "quite time" without me asking him to. He apologized for the car ride home. We read books and I chased/tickled him.
The kids played in the rain while I started dinner then worked with Nathan in the garage on my Mother's Day gift while I nursed Ezra.
It was a good and pretty typical Saturday for the Irwin's these days. Nothing stellar, but good always. Parenting is constant. Parenting is hard. I don't know how to do it well. I wish I did. But before I can think about it or try to get a new "game-plan", it's the next day and we do it all over again. And I pray for wisdom. I pray for grace. I pray for my kids and for Nathan. I pray against evil, pride, stubbornness, selfishness.
Two things I've been thinking about the past couple of days.
This sermon from Matt Chandler at The Village Church on True/False Wisdom. http://www.thevillagechurch.net/resources/sermons/detail/false-wisdom--true-wisdom/
Here is the crux of what got me as I went for a run yesterday and listened to this sermon:
"Do you know how free you are when it's not about you? See if it's about me and I come home, I have some expectations...So what I want had better be lined up like I want. I'd better get it like I want it. I am not free to serve and love my wife. I am not free to love and serve my children. I am not free to be a good friend. I am not free to show deference. I am not free to do anything other than get frustrated...That's exhausting. You're always angry. In fact, I've said it this way for nearly a decade now, the more your life is about you, the more miserable of a human being you're going to be. The more you make it about you, the more miserable you're going to be. Do you want a miserable marriage? Be uppermost in your own affections in your home. Do you want a strained if not full
on fractured relationship with your children? Be upper most in your own affections...The more things are about you, the more miserable you're going to be and yet the more we understand they're not about me, the more we're freed up to serve, to love, to walk in and enter empathetically to the lives of others...
If God is for God, that sets me
free
to
not
be
the
point,
and
if
God
is
for
God,
that
means
all
the
commands
of
God
can
be
trusted
because
he's
not
after
begrudging
submission
but
delightful
obedience.
That
leads
me
into
my
second
point.
Not
only
is
God
for
God,
but
God
has
designed
the
world
to
work
in
a
specific
way
leading
to
God's
glory
and
my
joy.
That's
what he's after."It's not about me. (which goes against everything America says) I have been getting disappointed in some relationships lately, and is it because I have these expectations and want it to be about me?
The other thing I've been thinking about, or was reminded of tonight when I fed Ezra before bed, is a song by All Sons and Daughters. And this is really the bottom-line for me these days, it's my heart-beat, it's my prayer, my hope. I listened to it a lot while I was in labor. I listen to it a lot when I'm driving in my mini-van/sanctification-mobile, because God knows it can get crazy on the drive with kids sometimes. But this is it for me these days, and all the days of my life. God is God, I am not. He' s the center, I am not. Praise God for that! So much freedom! So much!
I want to be faithful as we transition from Muskogee to Burkina (and every step in between). I want to be faithful with parenting my kids well. I want to be faithful in my relationships, and not make them about me. I want to be faithful to my God as I trust in Him, because I do need Him, more than anything. "Through the calm and the storm and the chaos, though the mountains will crumble, You will not. Never failing your promise eternal."
No comments:
Post a Comment