I am by no means an expert as I have been a parent now for just shy of five years, but lately I have been thinking about parenting, and all the joys and frustrations that parenting brings. So, in no particular order, I have a few thoughts that I am needing to type out.
1. Children are going to be children. To me this means, let them play, let them explore, let them get into cabinets and drawers, let them get dirty and messy, and be outside, let them sing loudly and make up songs, let them splash in the bath, let them blow bubbles in their milk every now and then, say YES as much as possible if it's okay, and then when you say NO it holds more weight than if you say "no, no, no, stop, quit", all the time. I'm going to give my kids some freedom to just be kids. I don't want to impose on them unrealistic behavioral modifications all the time. If my kids want to go play in the dirt, which they call their "mud shop", then go, have fun, explore, learn, play together. Have fun! If they want to read books, make believe, paint, color, draw, then DO IT! also, just Grace! lots of it, even as I say yes. Grace for myself as I know that getting messy means I will have to clean up a bit later.
2. within the "yes's" there needs to be boundaries. "No, you cannot play in all the drawers, but here's a drawer you can play in." "You cannot play with mud right now, but you can play with these little plastic shovels and these leaves and dirt pile." "No, I'd rather you not play outside right now, but you can sit and color at the table right now while I'm getting dinner ready." There are definitely things I tell my kids they cannot do. There are clear boundaries. They need to obey me, show respect and be kind and loving towards others. The whole world does not revolve around them. But I'm going to stay yes as much as I can. And if I need to tell them no, I will try to redirect them. Because they are little, and they are learning, and it's my job to teach them. and. Grace!
3. I want my kids to know that they matter more than things. Nothing in my house is irreplaceable. I mean, not exactly. They are kids. Things will get broken. Things will get messed up. We have IKEA furniture for that purpose. Now, we do teach our kids to take care of our things, their toys and books. They are not allowed to just tear the house up, we aren't parents like that. But, if they spill something, drop something, break something, mess something up, especially if it was an accident or even if they were just being careless (another teachable moment) then we do not shame them or make them feel like they are bad because of the mistake. They are more important. I teach them to help me clean up, I teach them to be more careful. I do it in love. Because grace! Because I don't like to be yelled at or made to feel small when I make mistakes, which I do all the live long day. So be gracious with your kids. They are just little small people learning so much every day after all, and they need to be able to trust that they are still good even when they mess up.
4. Kids have big feelings just like we do. I get mad. I get seriously frustrated. I get elated. I get impatient. I have also had 34 years to learn what to do with all those feelings. My kids haven't had that much time. They just have their developmentally appropriate ways to show their feelings: yelling, crying, fits, sometimes screaming. I am a big fan of feelings. I'm a counselor. I am also created in God's image and so are my kids. Jesus wept. Jesus was angry. My kids don't know yet how to deal, how to cope, heck they don't even know what feelings are which most of the time. So I teach them. Because, Grace! I say "oh my, you seem to be so very angry/frustrated/sad/disappointed/impatient/happy." I say "it's okay to feel ______, but not okay to yell/hit/throw/scream/etc", I say "I love you even when you are angry." Because I believe in grace. And training a child up in the way he should go is a long process. I can't expect any of my kids to live up to the expectations that I have for myself when they are only 5 or 3 or 1. Yes, I do have expectations, but lowered ones, realistic ones! Grace!
my kids aren't perfect. but oh my gosh, who is? I'm not perfect. I don't do all this well all the time. But I try. I pray. So, I will look for ways to connect to them, to help their little minds, hearts and spirits grow into who God created them to be. I won't shame them. I will look for ways to redirect them not just say "no". I will say yes, and play with them, read to them, engage them, love them for who they are right now. I am grateful every single day for these three kids I am so honored to mother. It's a huge responsibility. I'm still growing and learning. Every day. because, Grace!
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