It's rather incredible what happens when you are removed from your home country and culture and live in another place, another country, another culture, with another people, learning a new language, eating some different foods. Incredible. Overall the past year has been really good. God has brought us through a lot and it's not like we have suffered, au contraire! We are doing well. Our kids are pretty well adjusted (even if they don't have any good friends and school is hard and there is really no external support system in place for them apart from our family), and Nathan and I have finally reached a point where we can basically communicate whatever we need to, even if we botch it up big time, the French get the point and are pretty gracious with us. But I have, over the course of the months, been stripped of myself in a many ways. I went from being hyper-vigilant every time I left the apartment, trying to not do anything too crazy for the French culture, hoping my kids are not too wild while the French kids are so calm and tranquil. It was definitely anxiety provoking for me. As well as the fact that there were a number of significant terrorist attacks just prior to and just after our arrival, in Paris and in Brussels. Security was and still is amped up, and we received many many many emails from the US Embassy full of cautions and warnings. It was hard to ignore every time we were out in public, at an event or just riding public transportation. Many mornings, when the metro was jam packed full of people, I found myself thinking "is this the day? Am I going to be next?" I mean, sounds crazy to me now, but I really had to work through it.
So, anxiety, it's ongoing sadly. I have learned that the French are not afraid to help you parent your children out in public, if they think your kids are doing something dangerous for example (like climbing, or walking/running too quickly, or riding their scooter/skateboard down-hill). I've learned to be okay with the advice/warnings from strangers about how my kids are in "mortal danger", and I have accepted it, but it still causes me anxiety because my children are just full of energy and I'm also okay with that. So, I experience anxiety as I watch others anxiety, and as I know, every time we are in public, that we are being judged, that my kids make others nervous. It's just a hard feeling to swallow a lot of times, to feel judged all the time. Oh if strangers looks could kill, I'd be dead a long time ago.
Then anger. I know that anger is a "secondary emotion", and I think I know what is underlying a lot of my anger. I am just more insecure these days. I have very little community to help "normalize" what I'm going through, plus what I just mentioned about feeling judged so often. It's hard not to run to anger. Anger at Nathan because he doesn't understand me, or when I try to express how I'm feeling that he problem solves or suggests I stop complaining. These things he says are true, however, it brings about different feelings of insecurity and isolation. Blah.
I know I need Jesus more. I know I need to rest in Him. I am exhausted and feel like I have no outlet. Maybe, and I know it's true, but these are the moments I need to just surrender and lean on Him. Honestly, how do I do that? It's not tangible enough for me or something. We are going to the mountains for a few days later this next week, and I hope that it will be restful for my soul! I'm ready to feel like myself again, but what does that even mean and look like? Cause I sure don't know.
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