I think this topic is dear to my heart because is so many ways it’s my thorn in the flesh, but a self-inflicted thorn, not one like Paul talked about put there by God to bring Him glory. I think a judgmental attitude is both innate and learned. For me, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, although I cannot blame my upbringing fully (because I have to take responsibility for my own behavior and thoughts and let’s call it what it is, sin!) but I remember hearing my parents speak their minds about some people, or groups of people, or other people’s opinions, and so, yeah, I learned it. But I know that judging, categorizing people and groups, and classifying are just ways that our brain naturally organizes information. We kind of can’t get away from it. We form split second opinions of new people and new surroundings, almost as if we can’t help it. But thanks be to God, we can be aware of our biases, opinions, judgements before they take over and seep into our hearts. That is what I’m striving for. Awareness is a powerful first step, but it’s ugly too because you have to own up to it. That’s where I am.
A few years ago I started realizing that I tend to be critical, of other people and of myself. I would come home from work and complain so much to Nathan about crazy things happening there, and he basically called me out one time (probably many times because I needed it). He suggested that I would be a lot less worked up and upset, if I could stop focusing so much on the negative, stop being so critical. So, Ive been aware of this in myself ever since. (yuck!)
But not just being critical, but judgmental of others and their decisions, or their parenting, or their Facebook posts or instagram pictures. I am totally at fault. I have gone on social media “fasts” several times because I sense that being on there is only serving to increase my judgmental attitude. I think about what Jesus said “do not judge, for in the same way, you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1-2) This haunts me when I am aware of my judgmental thoughts.
For example, before I had kids, Nathan and I worked with youth a lot at our church, I saw families doing things really well and others that (in my *humble* judgmental opinion) were really not doing well. I knew how to be a perfect parent, obviously. When we had kids I would just do A, B and C and we’d be a perfect little family. HA HA HA HA HA! Pride does go before the fall. I have learned SO much about parenting and here’s what I’m getting at through all this rambling: solidarity! Now, I don’t judge parents or other moms as much as I sympathize and try to encourage! WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. This parent-hood, mother-hood, human-hood. Why judge and waste our energy and resources comparing or criticizing, let’s join together and be a village and LIFT EACH OTHER UP!
I was blessed recently by a visit from a fantastic family, and Jill (mother of three, the oldest in college, the other two similar to our kids’ ages) said some of the most encouraging things to me in the two weeks she was here. She questioned why in the world we as parents, as workers, as followers of Christ (in all capacities, in all ways) do we judge others and essentially heap new burdens onto one another, when in all joyful reality we should be “bearing one another’s burdens” and helping each other along on our journey. When Ezra was melting down, or Isaac became really upset and stormed off, she was so understanding and sympathetic. I never ever felt judged by her, and what a relief that was because honestly I have become aware of the fish-bowl we are now living in as workers in a foreign land. And let me be the first to say, I need help as a parent. I have really different (and at times, reallllllly difficult) little souls. I’m not being prideful, I welcome advice and counsel! However, it does hurt to feel we are being “watched” (hence judged). I’m also super sensitive to this, so that is something I’m working on in my own heart and head.
Please know, dear mothers struggling with your kids, you’re not alone. No one has it all together. No one knows what they are doing all the time. I’m a licensed counselor and have studied child development and behavior and even met with families to help them in their struggles, and good grief, I don’t know what I’m doing most days! And so we all hit the ground each day and kneel before our good Father and beg for His mercy, His grace, His wisdom in all things, especially parenthood! I am speaking to myself and begging us all to lay down the comparisons, to fight against judgmental attitudes, and to quit putting burdens on your fellow soldiers, and to bear one another’s burdens today! Who can you encourage today? Who needs to know they are doing a great job? Who can you pray for and cheer on? Who just needs a hug and a cup of coffee and good conversation?
Another thing I’m learning, even as a worker, as an expat in a foreign land, we are not exempt from judging! I haven’t noticed this here per say but seasoned veterans have talked sadly about how workers are the worst at passing judgment on one another! “They chose what kind of car to drive?” “Their kids are going to that school (local, home school, international, whatever)?” “They picked that house, in that neighborhood.” “They buy their groceries where?” My goal, my desire is to totally not let this enter our thoughts, our team. At this point, I’m just so glad to be here with such a big group of workers in this city, doing good work TOGETHER. I just want to be a bridge-builder, a peace-maker. I am here to pass zero judgment. I pray against the evil one who is coming to kill, steal, and destroy. I pray instead, we will be even more united in the common purpose that we all have in being here! I pray we would be known for love, for solidarity, for peace amongst each other! May it be so among all God’s people wherever we are living! Erasing the lines that divide, destroying the comparison game, and taking all our thoughts captive to Christ so as not to let a spirit of judgment be in our hearts any longer. I need help in this, so let’s do it together!
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